The New Year Approaches

At the Passing of Midwinter last year, my hope was the generous spirited season would will continue well into the New Year and beyond. 


Thankfully it has.


It has been a very sociable year, with new friends and old bringing much delight to my life :).
You can also tell the Facebook influence, though I still struggle with the smilies but have taken my own <];).


Also my radar has been working overtime all year, picking up patterns but, as I give advice to others who seek it, I do not follow my own nor of my trusted wicked witch. Perhaps in the next year, before the patterns snowball and engulf me ;).


Love
Witchhazel xx
<];)

The Winter Solstice

Last winter's solstice was heralded in with a pink moon - what would it bring?
A chance taken - and wonderfully rewarded.


It was not so this winter solstice ...
All About Eve - Lady Moonlight


As the year turns towards the long road to Spring, there shall be no more Missed chances an' the same regrets.


Witchhazel xx
<];)

I am me

Taken from Indigo & the Angels - Living in the realm of "I am doing what I want to do"

" Repeat after me "I am me, I love me, and I deserve to be all I can be, no one else can ever be me and I do what I want to do, as I make me happy first" "

Just past the new moon, just past midnight

The cycle ends, as it began, in August - but my thoughts are on midsummer, patterns and, as always, love.

Witchhazel xx

The Longest Day

The summer solstice arrived and ended with a myriad of waterfalls. Sounds wonderful? Unfortunately all I could see of the waterfall was the incessant water falling from the skies all day. A little rain on your wedding day is supposed to bring you good luck, thoughts of fertility perhaps, but what would today's deluge mean? Was it washing me away, or washing me clean - stripping away my fears? I do not know . . . I thought I would by now, at the end of an eventful year but no.

I missed the sunrise. I was too tired from an evening spent with family, drinking in the wilderness on my doorstep I never knew. The sun never shone today. So I find myself seeking sun, to warm my skin, to lift my spirits. I should be so happy today. Tomorrow is another day with its own issues. I'm not sure how that makes me feel . . .

I should talk of field orchids, stone circles and banana boots - this week's discoveries. This, and photographs, will follow . . . but not tonight.

A Garden Full of Weeds

Many things have fallen by the wayside, strewn across my life. What I was so proud of being  beautiful and inspirational at the start of last summer has since been neglected. There have been half hearted attempts to breathe life back into it but then winter swept through, seeking to destroy everything in its path. 


There has been casualties. Can I bring myself to plant another Californian Lilac, knowing I have lost one for each of the last two winters? Can I go through the heartache again? Nurturing it, loving it. But yet I compromise by starting small to see what has struggled to survive through the snow. Seeds have grown in unexpected places. Had I not been delayed in spring, would I have discarded them as weeds without a thought? 


But a weed is just a flower growing where you don't want it, which makes it subjective. The seeds are much loved and new flowers in the wrong place. I should transplant them to where they can thrive and grow. I know this. I know I should plant the new flowers I have bought but abandoned, which are waiting patiently to be loved. But it is the weeds that have reigned supreme since last summer. 


And so the year ends as it started. The flowers struggle to turn their faces to bathe in the warm loving sunlight but the weeds have deeper roots and are stronger, reaching further for the sun, strangling the flowers as they grow. As the year closes, I'll strive to keep the weeds at bay to let the flowers be nourished again. But I cannot do it on my own. I need nourishment too.


And please don't even mention the poor tomato plants . . .

A Good Birthday Gift (Alternate Title '?' or 'Where Is ?')

Congratulations are in order for what is very good birthday gift.
Following on from the comic film festival in winter, Electric Man will be previewed during the Glasgow Comic Con Festival mid-June! I have my diary free and tickets booked. It is so exciting.


It also has converged with my plans for a Charles Rennie Mackintosh day in July with my friend. 


How so you may ask? 


The Glasgow Comic Con events are being held in Queen's Cross Church, which was designed by Mackintosh and where the Charles Rennie Mackintosh Society are based.


And there is a comic book to boot about him - The Amazing Mr Mackintosh - by the guys involved in setting up Glasgow Comic Con!


So my gentle re-introduction to life has my head now spinning with information tendrils shooting off in all directions, overwhelming my senses. I want more. Just as I couldn't 'find' my Barcelona football top last night to wear whilst watching the Champions League Final (i.e. too many clothes) - congratulations to the mighty Barca!, June will be a busy month but I sadly can't do everything. I can't go to see Yes, Prime Minister - a favourite and influential program in my youth (or can I? I thought there were only two shows but now looks like more) or Bon Jovi. Following getting my nails done with a talk on the Large Hadron Collider should be fun but perhaps not as much as the Amazon Web Services Cloud Computing talk, across the road from Teviot. It is funny - from Rock Night in March in Teviot to software* in June across the road - I could have both at the same time in Chambers St! This is not a double entendre - my friends were software engineers, electronic and electrical engineers, mathematicians and others like myself, with Fortran programming thrown in their courses for good measure! And of course there were the comic book guys too for a bit of light hearted variety.


And Glasgow has opened up for me. Things I have long thought about doing are chapping at door saying 'no more excuses' e.g. Glasgow Necropolis; and newly discovered adventures await e.g. Sighthill Stone Circle. I know you could go to the link but why would you? What would draw you in? Perhaps this. Sighthill Stone Circle is the first astronomically aligned stone circle to be built in the UK for 3000 years, built in 1979 by Glasgow Parks dept and stands in Sighthill Park, on the other side of the M8 exit for George Square M8. YES, in the CENTRE of GLASGOW! How did I not know about this, and casually dismiss drunken talk of this as, well, drunken talk! Now where is my old Collins book of Astronomy and telescope when you need it? Does my nephew still use his I wonder? But for something as important and exciting as this, listen to the experts. You can still continue to watch Sir Patrick Moore, the cuddly teddy bear he is, when you flick through the tv late at night, and gaze at the stars and regret you don't have the equipment or skills to photograph them (yet?).


A project plan and use cases are required here methinks, as I announced today I would like to take a botanical drawing class. I know lists are good but I have always been tangential, my train of thought jumping too quickly from one idea to another seemingly unrelated idea to make a list. This is my list, mainly of thoughts but actions are starting to break through so I can look back at this and think 'yes I will do that' or more likely 'drat, what was I thinking!'. It is a diary and I know I should start the private version before I go too far, typing as I think, occasionally vetting. Let's face it, no-one really wants to read about someone else's thoughts and life unless it is exciting. And few people measure up, despite the cult of celebrity.


But is now 3am. Last night I was later, just surfing, ending up with horoscopes I think and I was confused by a bright light shining in the hall, just at the edge of vision in this dark enclosed comforting room. It was the dawn light. It was 4.30am. Perhaps I will be able to stay up to see the full moon followed by the sunrise at midsummer? At the castle would be nice and could be romantic, if cold and possibly not that safe but at home will suffice. And then to see the sunset at Sighthill Stone Circle. I would like that very much ;-).


*except 'Software' was one nickname to differentiate between the Ds on different courses.

Happy Birthday To My Inspirational Gemini

Yes, the birthday wishes are a couple of days early and I am sure I will not forget to update fb on Tuesday but I guess I added the other one early, so why not for you too, as you follow so hot on his heels, birth date wise only. I know that this year must have been very fulfilling yet still difficult. I wish you every happiness in the year to come and also success in your new venture.

I know I have never had anywhere near your infinite range of interests nor your drive. I was in awe of you, seeking inspiration - like a moth seeking to share in the warmth from the flame, to cast a little spark in my direction to enlighten and enrich my life. And you did.

I saw The Wall live last night for the first time.


An example of What's For You, Won't Go By You? Not quite 1990 in Berlin as you did nor earlier in 1981 at Earls Court for my better half.

If you wanna' find out what's behind these cold eyes 

You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise!

Roger Waters - In The Flesh - The Wall (Berlin 1990)

The Real McKay

Happy Birthday! It is a week early but what else can I do as he has started his birthday celebrations early in Edinburgh, before returning home for next week.

I followed my gut feeling and completed most errands on Thursday, including a visit to Edinburgh. I knew I would be too rushed if I left Edinburgh to Friday after work and it would be difficult to resist staying for a few drinks (but not as in Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe) as I did know he would be around but not the details yet. It was the right thing for me to do but if I had stopped to check fb earlier than I did i.e. not as my train arrived home at my local train station - I could have left money behind the bar for a birthday drink for him for Friday night. Admittedly, not quite the Chivas Regal I gave him the last time I saw him but that was over sixteen years ago and a special occasion - of the 'so long, and thanks for all the fish' variety. He always preferred chicken suppers instead of fish though.

Friday 13th in Edinburgh would have been nice for drinks, hugs and catching up for an hour or so but I am sure the guys are all having a great time and there will be other opportunities to say hi later in the year when he is back again. I keep wanting to say back home in Edinburgh but although his roots are here, he started working away not long after I first met him.

1989 was a strange year - summer brought me heartbreak but by Hogmanay Eve, I had new networks of friends who enriched my life over the next seven years and came back into my life again in the last year. Their influence, though, has never left me. Into my life, he brought me Queensryche and, most surprisingly, The Indigo Girls, and cool friends to hang out with at Rock Night when he was away and close friends to look out for me, sharing mad letters with me when I was away too.

Yes I loved him, and still do but in a different way, but it was never a romance. I couldn't commit to anyone over that seven year period. In trying to protect myself from being hurt again , I ended up hurting those I loved instead - taking me back to my The Years Fly entry last year. So it was lucky that he didn't love me in the way I thought I wanted him to after all. We became comfortable together as friends over the years, and I really couldn't want for anything more than that.

In late 1995, I felt a sea change in the air, I escaped my own Tintagel and said my farewells to Edinburgh.

In 1996, I received a marriage proposal and, for the first time since 1987, I could not think of a good reason to say no. This is not literally true however because I did say no, but only because I anticipated a different question - along the break-up lines instead so I then had to change my reply to yes, after I had said no. (Did I mention I was an indecisive Pisces?)

So have a wonderful extended birthday season Mr McKay in your homeland and then back home with your wife, daughter and friends next week. I will send you more wishes on fb on Thursday! Sorry you didn't get a beer.

Love always,

Witchhazel xx

My beloved Big Bertha struck again! I woke up at the end of the movie, again. It was 8.30pm. Perhaps sleep will come again soon?

The Eve of Beltane

It has been a long journey to reach this point. It is the eve of Beltane and a gloriously warm, sunny day.

I have done some household chores (never enough though), went for picnic lunch at Bothwell Castle and I now sit like a madwoman in the front garden updating the blog, struggling with the laptop's screen, battery, power supply, mouse etc in the sunlight.

Work has been time consuming so I may never recall what suits I wore the previous week but they are sitting in various piles around the house but for last week, here goes:-
Tues 26/04 - Levine grey stripe with grey lining (lovingly known to me as my interview suit from New York), can't remember what shirt but it was newly ironed
Wed 27/04 - Autonomy black stripe with black lining/green
Thurs 28/04 - Slater black with black lining/green cashmere jumper, green suede shoes and green Nine West mac from New York - yes a bit of a change but I had caught one of my black utility Clarks shoes on a crack in a slab leaving work the night before, which had split the leather at the front of the shoe so I thought I should wear something different for once instead. And also, because I was being lazy and not organising more clothes or getting whatever suits may still be in storage back for April, I bought the Slaters suit the previous weekend at their warehouse sale. Cheating? Yes.

The green shoes makes me think it should be shoes in May but I'll have to plan this a bit more. However I did get a nice summer dress at the White Stuff in Edinburgh this week so it could be dresses perhaps or also?

Not quite at the stage of bearing my soul re the changes the book, and the year, has brought yet. I shall also seeking the wisdom of the wicked witch again next week. So hopefully Beltane will bring  me clarity and direction. And that I remember that what's for me, will not go by me as, conversely, what is not for me, will go by me so no chasing rainbows and moonbeams (but I can still dance and spin in lush green grass in warm noon sun at the castle under the brilliant blue sky).

It is strange that Beltane starts with a dark moon this year.

What's For You, Will Not Go By You

I always have always taken this as a Glaswegian phrase but this message is conveyed in the book through the women.


The Three Daughters of The Lady of the Lake:
Igraine bowed to politics to keep the peace but in the end, protected her children as best she could. But she was blessed to spend another lifetime with her priest lover.

Vivianne's grand plans do not always follow her own will but that of the changing world where men ruled. She never gave birth to a much longed for daughter to the Goddess, only sons who feared her.

Morgause's ambitions, dabbling in the black arts, do not come to fruit and her sons became the most loyal of Arthur's followers, not his rivals. But she became Queen in Lothian in her own right after her husband the King died.

Gwenhwyfar wished only for security. She belonged in a convent where she feel safe and devote herself to simpler things.

Morgaine. She tried too hard to please everyone, to her own detriment. She never followed her heart.

And she never understood that the Goddess would find her own way to prevail, no matter what women do, or do not do . . . Goddess, Earth Mother, Our Lady, maiden/mother/crone.

The cycle of Life, Death, Re-Birth continues on through eternity

What's for you, will not go by you (and what isn't for you, will ;))

Avalon Goes Further Into The Mists

Morgaine sent Accolon to claim the throne from Arthur in Avalon's name however Accolon is defeated. Morgaine has already cast forth her child, which awaits Accolon on the other side and Morgaine flees for Avalon (again).

With the Merlin's consent, Arthur unveils the Chalice of the Well, of the Holy Regalia, for use at the Christian Mass. With the Goddess working through them, Morgaine and Raven pass the Chalice to all at the service - and each receives what they desire. Such a great use of power was too much for Raven to bear and she passed from the world, as did the Chalice. The Knights of the Round Table beg leave of Arthur to find and return it and scatter to the four winds in their quests for the Holy Grail. Except for Mordred, who begs to not go the quest but remain at Arthur's side, the son who can never be acknowledged or be heir.

Arthur's heir and Lancelot's son, Galahad, who avowed his life to the quest, did indeed find it but it cost him his life 'it is death to touch the Holy Regalia unprepared'. Lancelot returned to Camelot to tell Arthur the sorry news and that the Holy Grail had passed from the world so the quests should end. 

Avalon's revenge on the Merlin has been planned, unrealised, for many years. Galahad's sister, Nimue, has grown up as a priestess in seclusion in Avalon, the only person in Avalon the Merlin does not know. As the daughter of the Gwenhwyfar's cousin Elaine and Lancelot, she has been accepted as one of the Queen's maidens at court and Gwenhwyfar agrees to keep her previous life on Avalon secret, even from Arthur. But Nimue is not concerned with Arthur. Her role is to bind and enslave the Merlin and bring him to Avalon for his punishment as traitor. However, to do this, Nimue, a maiden true, must weave a love spell between them - she the beautiful blonde and he with his crippled body but voice of a bard. She keeps her desires in check until the allotted time - the dark moon for dark magic, not the full moon for fertility. He realises her betrayal of their love too late and is enslaved and knows his life is forfeit. Nimue, distraught, joins him in the afterlife.

Gwenhwyfar is now past child bearing age and Arthur does not always share her bed so, on his return, she resumes her love affair with Lancelot. Mordred plots to expose the affair which is losing Arthur respect from his subject kings and the lovers flee. Then they part, Gwenhwyfar  to the convent on Glastonbury and Lancelot returns to Arthur to make amends and fight again at his side.

Arthur, the King Stag, kills Mordred, the Young Stag, on the shores of the Lake. Morgaine mourns the loss of her son Mordred and her brother and lover Arthur. As Arthur lies dying in her arms, her mother Igraine's words ring in her ears 'Morgaine take care of your baby brother' . . . 

Her Work Was Done

I have now finished reading The Mists of Avalon.

I will add my thoughts tomorrow for the final stages of the book and follow with my overall views and how I have felt during the process,

Witchhazel x

Gwydion Comes Out Into The Light

Morgaine, with Accolon as her consort, reigns as protector for the Old People in North Wales, ensuring Accolon is now his father's heir. When she travelled to Avalon, she met with her son Gwydion. So intelligent and cunning, any mother should be proud of him - and the mirror of Lancelot. He has spent his years in battle and far from Arthur's court. When next she meets him at Camelot, he is to have his first meeting with Arthur, his father. Arthur receives him with affection and acknowledges him in private, knowing he can never acknowledge him publicly. Gwydion warms to Arthur and understands how inspirational a king he is.

When it quickly becomes public knowledge that Gwydion is Morgaine's son, gossip is rife that Lancelot is his father. However the resemblance no more than because both Morgaine and Lancelot share the same fairy bloodline through the Royal Line of Avalon.

Galahad, the true son of Lancelot, is named as Arthur's heir and he is inducted into the Companions. However Gwydion wins entry by his skill on the games field and he is then knighted by Lancelot - Mordred, meaning crafty counsel in the Saxon tongue.

Morgaine is focussed on Avalon again however she discovers she is with child again, by Accolon during his king testing, when she should be long past child bearing age and when she could not possibly have lain with her aged husband . . .

Aquarius & Gemini - The Mission (featuring Julianne Regan). Yes, Wayne Hussey is Gemini but who is Aquarius? Julianne is Cancer and I am Pisces, so it must be Shona or Jude!

Mon 11 - Autonomy purple with purple lining/green
Tues 12 - Slaters black strip trouser with pink lining/green
Wed 13 - Anne Brooks green with green lining/green strips
Thurs 14 - Autonomy black pin stripe with black lining/black and white hoops
Fri 15 - Autonomy grey pink dress suit with grey lining
Mon 18 - Grey strip trouser suit with blue lining/black strip

And finally, it has been a week of cherry blossom trees and full moons . . .

Patterns

A key to reincarnation is learning from life's lessons through patterns.

Morgaine has realised that her lesson comes from the close kin relationships, which are deemed sinful by Christianity but purest of all by the Goddess and the Druids.

Patterns still retain their importance in all walks of modern life.

What life lessons can I identify for myself?

I have always been drawn to midsummer, trying to catch the sunrise and the only time I could consider being wed. Unknown to myself in advance, when I did wed, it was also a full moon and I love when it is full moon. It was also the auspicious Honey Moon in June, with the best omens for a good marriage.

But it is the 21 June, not the 22 for me. I did not know until a few years ago, my father was born on 22 June. He would have been 75 this year. And an in-law will be 55, 20 years apart and never known until recently. Would he think deep down that I knew? That I was drawn to him, having so few memories of him or does it hurt my mother that the dates are so close? I will never know. These things are not discussed.

So I turn to more patterns. I could list the self destructive ones and easily find someone to blame them on but we can all do this.

Let's go with these instead. I can remember my first meeting with people would intrigue me but I would shy away from, initially through lack of self confidence, later through recognising the pattern. Having said that, there has been only two. With the second, the pattern was laid out within seconds, allowing me to take steps to avoid it. But I would never guessed that, when the pattern repeated seven years later, I wouldn't instantly recognise it.

Ah, my inspirational Gemini, my muse, I love you for your beauty, I love you for the books you read ...as I laze in the sun (Freeze - All About Eve).
Forever out of reach - was it your twin or 22 June?

Step Out Into The Sun

And so I do

The Queen of North Wales

I don't listen nor does Morgaine. As a result, she became Queen of North Wales. Too eager for what she desired but failing to ensure she got the full information before consenting to the marriage, she got the aged father instead of the son. And yet she still went ahead with it?

She did get the son after all, but Accolon was more a catalyst than a plaything or lover, bringing the priestess in Morgaine back to life and then her work became her focus.

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together ;)

Today was Love Vibration day, at all times on the mp3 phone, inspiring me to desire a happy, sunny soundtrack and dinner and drinks in the garden on my way home (as there was no pub option) - none of which actually happened. The lyrics have a touch of melancholy about them and a sentiment I continue should follow to.

'Step out into the sun'

Thurs 7 - Monsoon blue red strip with red lining/shiny red
Fri 8 - Slaters black pin strip with pink lining/black and white hoops

Retrofest Midnight Movies

A John Cusack movie for Saturday night is always a good idea. 'Hot Tub Time Machine' sounds promising. The reality was a little more low-brow than expected but the formula is very fashionable - re-capture your youth and make it better! Tonight's was 'Just Friends' with Ryan Reynolds and last night was 'Perfume' - a strange love/murder story of sorts but more murder. But perhaps the biggest surprise was me watching three movies in such a short space of time, albeit while continuing to surf.

Retrofest is not just in the movies, but also this report from the BBC:-
Kate Bush has re-recorded The Sensual World, renaming it Flower of the Mountain, after eventually getting approval to use the words of James Joyce's character in Ulysses, Molly Bloom, for the title track of her 1989 album The Sensual World (see Do I Look For Those Millionaires)

And of course, this blog . . .

Tues 5 - Autonomy Grey Pink Pinstripe with Pink lining/Lilac
Wed 6 - Slaters blue pin stripe with blue lining/green

Something About You

Switched the tv from the golf (don't ask me! I was trying on dresses for the summer of weddings and leaving dos), flicking through the channels before I settle down to finding music to play on the PC or from the collection. 'Rewind 2010'. Hmmh, who played then - list looks ok but hark, it's Level 42 with Lessons in Love. Maybe. Followed by 'Something About You' - better. What a sad old romantic I am. But what I want is Mark King's bass line on 'The Sun Goes Down'. No! It has now moved to Kajagoogoo - 'Too Shy' can have its merits in certain scenarios but I have been saved by a clash of programs recording and the tv jumps to BBC2 for a Never Mind the Buzzocks repeat - not much better I'm afraid.

April's goals - suit per workday (except Fri 1) - what doesn't fit, no longer suits me or I no longer like, should go out. I'll iron my Monsoon blue/red stripe and shiny red blouse for Thursday's lunch and late night shopping.
Mon 4 - Slaters black pin stripe with green lining/green

Music? Settled down to my last Decemberists playlist.

Weekend? The edited version, re-published from Monday evening.
I play Cheap Pearls and Whiskey Dreams. The blog, shopping and other diversions e.g. bags with cat images on them (strange for someone who on Friday talked of not being able to have such an intelligent creature in the house) over the year continue, bringing me a little respite.

As the rain lashes the window tonight, I Pray for Love

Sambuca

With its anise flavour and flame, sambuca is something I have only on occasion, tonight being one - the logic may not have been sound but I wasn't missed. Like my final Wednesday in March - a repeat due to circumstances - I gave into what was the correct course of action under the circumstances, knowing it was not my preference but I guess it was better to conform. It was a struggle, I'm not an anise fan.

So what now for April? I will need to think about this.

For now, tea and toast are finished, the wind is howling outside yet big bertha feels so cosy as I wrap my shawl around me and sink into the burgundy purple cushions to sleep.

The King Stag

There is peace in the land. Arthur invites knights to tournaments to show off their skills at a time when there are no wars. Women talk of children and households.

There is still has no son and heir, even after the love tryst between Arthur, Gwenhwyfar and Lancelot.

Gwenhwyfar disregards good advice but fortunately (or not?) lives to regret it - why has she been so harshly punished for doing nothing wrong? Lancelot rescues his damsel in distress and Gwenhwyfar, tested beyond her endurance, refuses to be parted from him again, even though her husband shall return.

Whether with noble intention or nae, Morgaine then traps Lancelot into marrying Gwenhwyfar's cousin Elaine.

Tormented to have Lancelot torn away from her and insulted to have his son by Elaine about to be named heir, throwing her barrenness back in her face before the full court, Gwenhwyfar confronts Arthur over his son fostered at the Lothian court.

Arthur summons Morgaine to force Gwenhwyfar to retract what he believes are her lies. Morgaine confesses to bearing a child to the King Stag, ten moons after Arthur's victory on Dragon Island. Arthur is devastated his sister has suffered so. Gwenhwyfar is incensed at this incest and Arthur's concern for Morgaine, blames this for her childlessness and demands Arthur confess his great sin to the priests. Arthur sees no sin, as both were representations of God and Goddess and were unknown to each other until after but agrees, to appease Gwenhwyfar.

Another example of a manipulative woman, twisting the situation to fit her own agenda in her righteousness . . .

The Rites of Spring

Yes, Spring has arrived! The equinox has been reached this week, the warmer weather has arrived and at the weekend, daylight becomes more plentiful as the clocks are set forward.

Time for a spring clean? Time for the return to The King Stag on Friday - on my travels again.

I have almost failed in my 'March dress Wednesday' endeavour. What I would like to wear is most unsuitable now for work and also a woman of my aged years. I will wear my brown wool dress today, which is not entirely suitable but I have worn it to work a couple of times this year - but not yet in March. This then leaves me with a dilemma for the end of the month - perhaps I should go shopping - in a focussed manner this time round. The dress today has to cover both work and an in-law birthday meal.

Monsoon and East are calling . . .

Dreaming is more popular

Stats can be used to support any argument.

As I compared views for this and the main blog, I found that, despite having no content for the last six months and now only having two posts, this blog attracted 73 views across a wide range, compared to 307 for 38 posts.

Dreaming
73 Views - United States 53 Ukraine 6 Germany 4 United Kingdom 3 Israel 3 Russia 2 Latvia 1 Romania 1

Lost
307 Views - United Kingdom 256 United States 21 Canada 10 Russia 10 France 2 Malaysia 2 China 1 Denmark 1 Croatia 1 Singapore 1

Perhaps I have been backing the wrong horse?

Happy St.Patrick's Day

It has been a busy day - birthday cards, texts, fb wishes, work, lunch, family visits, phone calls, dinner etc. The good wishes of family and friends has taken me aback.

I feel very humbled, and very much loved.

So this is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

The generous gifts have been appreciated but the gift of time and thought trumps it all.

Witchhazel xx

Things To Do Before Your Birthday - In No Particular Order - No.42

Thanks to the Amazon Kindle Reader app for both mobile and PC, I have finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy before my birthday. Now whether to buy the new volumes to read before my birthday or want on perhaps being fortunate to get some Amazon gift vouchers as gifts (not that I deserve any gifts) and go back to reading The Mists of Avalon?

As I re-read my last post, I realise I didn't mention the Rock night out last weekend at all. The plus points were that fate, or rather the generosity of my friends, meant that I met up with four of them before the night out, one with 15 hours notice, another within a few seconds - everyone was in the right place at the right time! It was wonderful and great to see (a) the girls who I saw last month (b) the guy I hadn't seen on 12 years or so and has now given me more music recommendations.

The Rock night itself was a bit disappointing as no-one I knew could make it after all but on the plus side, I danced madly for five hours without embarrassing anyone I knew, except my poor friend who I'd dragged along with me for that very purpose. Unfortunately I didn't live up to my side of the bargain with her so it was back to the flat alone by 1.30am, foot sore and weary. I didn't even get to buy any goodies - Dead Head Comics sold out of Electric Man t-shirts - so I will have to order them on-line before the BAFTA is announced, and St. Justin of Cornwall no longer making pentagram earrings with amethyst - which is a great pity as I lost an earring going to the work Christmas lunch.

I finished the weekend off with an enjoyable lunch, as always, at The Grill on the Corner on Sunday before getting home.

I have made a mix cd for a colleague, which I hope will be ok for him as I don't want to upset him if it comes across as too gushy or depressing. I'll try to get it vetted beforehand as my experience is now limited in this respect - just for my delight now on mp3, many years ago almost as calling card, like High Fidelity, bearing my soul.

Never Pass a Bar That Has Your Name On It*

After reading the late Pete McCarthy's gem of a book McCarthy's Bar* many years ago, I follow the same philosophy - where practicable.

So on a snowy late Saturday morning in March, I sit in newly arrived L.K. Bennett kitten heels - brown leather on my right foot, black sequined on my left. Ebay is helping me fill the gaps I cannot quite bring my debit card round to doing but, rest assured, I do have two pairs, not just two mismatched shoes - which leads me on to thoughts of customising my shoes but this is still a thought at the moment.

And earlier this week I was concerned with being too shallow! How silly of me? It was a conversation starter, or so I though, but it backfired immediately. Yes, I know I should break out of my malaise and get involved in worthwhile causes but this would take me out of myself and away more from my situation, which is feeling the strain of the renewed sociable me already.

Is it back to Gwenhwyfar - Be Careful What You Wish For?

Don't be silly!

It is never a bad day when two pairs of kitten heel shoes arrive!

Do I Look For Those Millionaires

Like A Machiavellian Girl Would
When I Could Wear A Sunset?
Mmh, Yes,

The wonderful Katie!



I happily took the compliments, even from wild eyed drunken hippies at Septembers in Bellshill but I've always been more Babooshka with wild hair.

Katie looks so like Paul here - confident, oozing sensuality from every pore but I couldn't imagine her losing her cool - dancing and spinning round in the woods as the leaves fall around her. That is definitely me! And has been often - Bothwell Castle to name but one (see Falling Leaves)

Strange Tales, Tall and True

So many revelations in such a short space of time.

Some unbidden.

Some secret.

Some sought out.

Some stumbled upon.

Shall sleep soon, with a secret smile on my face and shooting stars exploding my senses . . . with a solid 80s Scottish soundtrack - Grahame Skinner, James Grant and finished off with The Blue Nile.

February Made Me Shiver

A homage to American Pie by Don McLean
- perfect length for the trip to and from the bus
- favourite song from Sneaky Pete's jukebox
- the song my sister and I discovered we can both sing all the way through - a complete fluke and never realised until 15 years ago.

The week started very well and for that I am very thankful and although I may have appeared flighty later on, it was just a busy week and building excitement for the coming weekend - if only I could motivate myself to find my leather biker jacker for tomorrow. Ho hum, perhaps I'm not that keen on full-on rock chick look after all. Could it be York all over again?

Yeah arrangements for tomorrow starting - a bit of fb banter and we're off. Now to plan the packing.

It has been a week of surprises - thanks for having faith in me (again), it means so much - and drats for opportunities missed (again).

Wednesdays in March have become 'wear a dress day' but, rounding off February,:-
Sun 27 - green/lace white
Mon 28 - white strip/lace black
and as a nod to St David's Day Tues 1 March, white/lace yellow

The Joy of Sleep

Last night I slept. It may have been a bit fitful but I was in bed by 9pm, waking ~8am. Friday night brought a sense of relief. As my belated male colleague said to me, women over analyse and give too much credit to men, thinking they do the same. Wikipedia has this as analysis paralysis, with more relevance for me as cognitive distortion.

But occasionally I do see in shades of grey, giving a more positive impact after the analysis, not an all or nothing approach - as you would expect of a typical Pisces - that would be far too scary for me.

My status quo is two Pisces, each 'tied together with a cord on their tails, to make sure they do not lose one another' and then linked together again. Astrology, like statistics, can tell you anything you want to believe so I will only add the short summary from www.pisces.com, missing out the negative and gullible traits and the darker aspects of Pisces-Pisces compatibility:-
Symbol: Fish
Element: Water
Ruling Planet: Jupiter/Neptune
Birthstones: Amethyst, Aquamarine
Colors: Aquamarine, Amethyst, Mauve, Sea Green
Gemstones: Amethyst, Emerald, Aquamarine, Bloodstone, Moonstone, Catseye
Flowers: Water Lily, Orchid, Lotus, White Poppy, Lilac
Metals: Platinum, Metallic Pewter
Body: Feet, Immune System, Lymphatic System

As you may have guessed from the time-stamp, sleep is eluding me again - but for a different reason.

Fri 25 - navy/lace black
Sat 26 - green/yellow

12 Degrees - Centigrade - At 12 Midnight

It has been a surprisingly sunny and mild winter day, feeling like spring - warmer tonight than it has been for most days since December. I do hope it continues, although West Coast USA is heading for snow, first in San Francisco in 30+ years and expected to snow also in Vegas (baby) ! Snow will fall this weekend in Utah and it was 16 degrees centigrade last week then snow at weekend.

+/- cannot go to see the first clips of Electric Man tomorrow but I hope the clips will be on-line at the weekend. Good luck Dave and Scott!

The feasting continues . . .

Tues 22- green/black
Wed 23 - black/tiger
Thurs 24 - purple/lace black

Spirit Aid

Am I perhaps obsessed with someone who mirrors my forlorn hopes and deepest fears in song? I went to see James Grant play on Thursday at the Spirit Aid charity gig. So that makes January and February, he's playing again in March and June - so far.

And The Bluebells were there too. First song, I'm Falling, was more than I could have possibly hoped for - my favourite!

Justin Currie was the top act for the ladies, more of a charmer in his bittersweet mode than James. Be My Downfall has been responsible for many seductions. Am I the only one who wants to be the one girl you will never forget? And I always imagine the bus is pulling out of Killermont Street but why? I never went to uni in Glasgow.

Friday went better than expected but it was a tiring evening so despite still wishing to go out afterwards for drinks and dancing, going home was by far the better idea - to rest and sleep.

Saturday was a hive of activity but, to the untrained eye (or any visitors), it looks like nothing has been done but it was washing and drying all day. The day ended with breaking my own anti-gremlin rule - no fb interaction after midnight. On the good news front, I found out that Electric Man unveils the first ever clip to the public at the GFT on Friday. On the bad/good front, I can't make it.

It has all came a bit early for me, I was preparing for March so I was thrown a bit off kilter. So any hope of plans moved from last Friday to this are on hold but I must get another date for the eighties disco night sorted out soon - dance card quickly filling up again.

Some people look the part on paper but, in reality, there is something not quite right. On the other hand, it is rarer to find the 'still waters run deep' type, who can throw astounding curve balls casually into the mix and you find yourself being caught out - like when trying to cloak yourself in mystery using obscure references, only to find they know about it and more. By this, I don't mean trying to get rid of unwanted attention and only finding yourself in a worse situation and having to get rescued (Edin Cowgate). Something else. Perhaps a Dvrnesque development? I've missed this type of connection but he proved the foundations are still there and that makes me happy. Looking forward to seeing him again and meeting his lady in a couple of weeks. Friends again.


Wed 16 - purple strips/lace yellow
Thurs 17 - purple strips/lace black
Fri 18 - white strips/lace white
Sat 19 - black/lace black
Sun 20 - black/lace white
Mon 21 - lilac/lace yellow

Ice Cold Running Water

This is a placeholder, which was going to be entitled 'Douglas Adams' because I could think of no other news than I intend to take a break to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as a precursor to my birthday next month.

However the cold water tap just came off in my hand, giving me ice cold running water - but I managed to put it back on and all now ok hopefully.

I could read many things into that, as I could for other matters this week. Most after the event - I am not so quick on the uptake and retort.

The Year of the Rabbit began with a small curtsey (dinner, lunch) and now launches into a waltz this week (concert, lunch, go-karting). The year will be filled with many celebrations, ending with the Christmas night(s) out!

Sat 12 - purple/white strips
Sun 13 - ecru/green
Mon 14 - black strips/black feather
Tues 15 - purple strips/shiny purple

Return to Autumn

It has been bright and dry but I thought it would rain so didn't wear spring clothes but dressed in browns and greens instead. I felt swirly and almost confident.

But I've had a late couple of nights workwise so off my game. What happened then for the last couple of weeks you ask? Yes, I have been unfair and I am sorry. What a wimp I am. Maybe next week? Early night for me tonight should help, but when will I wake - midnight probably!

Taking chances on the social side, 18th is now booked, not my first preference but I did want to go out then - full moon good, tides bad. The following week may be better but Glasgow getting scary sadly.

And David is a great uncle! How wonderful but, as I am preparing for my eventual similar status change, I think it
should be grand uncle, with grand aunt for me if nephew has a child (his soon to be wife rather).  So there has been a great uncle and a granny, congrats again mj, this year so far.

The string of waterlily lights overhead cast a soft glow, the green velvet curtains are closed tightly against the night, the  room is gently warming up and I am wrapped up in my pashmina, phone in hand (Blogger app), book and mp3 at my side. Which will win? Oh yes, telly on - Braveheart just started. Maybes aye, maybes naw.

Thurs 10 - blue stripes/lace lilac
Fri 11 - green/green

Music To Raise The Spirits

I've been listening to a lot of music this week and last. Thin Lizzy crept up a few times before I heard of Gary Moore's death, R.I.P. Now it has been R.E.M. and AC/DC cropping up the mix. It has been generally upbeat. Whole Lotta Rosie as I finished lunch (including a wee jig in the ladies) but the contemplative Leaving New York as I started lunch made me feel quite sad and in need of a hug. It doesn't have a memory for me as such but it has such a strong pull that my heart aches - a feeling of insurmountable yet intangible loss.

But a good boogie on down to AC/DC always helps raise the spirits.

Reason for the post - not yet ready to face book 3 The King Stag yet.

Tues 8 - shiny green/velvet green
Wed 9 - white stripe/lace yellow

Gwenhwyfar - Be Careful What You Wish For

Gwenhwyfar has lost her child and sought concessions from Arthur to appease God. The flag of Christ and the Virgin stands where the Pendragon flag should be, to protect all the peoples of Britain, not just Christian. The battle was not lost but the country was fractured.

Morgaine had fled Arthur's court after her failed dalliance with Lancelot for Avalon. However she could not make her way back and instead came to the Land of Fairy. When she returned, five years or more had passed in the outside world but she felt she had only been there for days. Sometimes life is like that.

It is Beltane and Gwenhwyfar wants to halt the fires, mocking her childlessness. But in contradiction to her faith, she turns to Morgaine the wise, Morgaine the witch, for a charm to give her what she says she desires - a son for Arthur.

Morgaine warns Gwenhwyfar to be careful what she wishes for, for the Goddess may grant it to her.

And as the Beltane fires are lit on Dragon Island, Gwenhwyfar falls into the arms of both Arthur and Lancelot, thinking 'yes this is what I wanted after all'.

So ends the second book, The High Queen.

I never attended the Edinburgh Beltane festival, although it started when I was there. I have never been one for public demonstrations at such times*.

The return to Edinburgh on Sunday night brought memories from Heather, who I have not seen in such a long time, Sneaky Pete's again (before it became a (very small) gig venue), who would have thought it! And a spark of interest from Susan for rock night re-union. What a surprise! Yes, she did go with me and made sure that before she left me and she went home early, she had nominated someone to look after me. Nothing untoward, more like your mother arranging a local taxi home from a nightclub for you 'because she's only 17 you know'. And she terrified them so there were no untoward attentions - Susan I mean.

Mon 7 - shiny purple/purple

*except for
(1) dancing (alone or disco/rock preferred)
(2) Mid-summer (failing to stay awake for sunrise at Bothwell Castle, getting married four years later but not getting to the Castle for photos :-()
(3) Samhain/Halloween (witch of course)
(4) Midwinter (snow angels, cosy and warm inside with hot chocolate)
(5) St Patrick's Day (obviously)

28 Days in February

It is a slow month. Almost every time I start to read, and listen to Esben and the Witch, I fall asleep (6 hours out of 12 on Thursday night, 12 out of 12 on Friday night). The music has been transferred from phone to mp3 in the hope that I can listen to it better when commuting. I'm almost halfway through the book so I am not keen on buying the audio version, especially as it has been abridged.

I have shook up my daily routine to add a bit of variety but too lazy to be radical so here goes week 1:-
Tues 1 - shiny black/black&red
Wed 2 - End of Year of the Tiger - shiny red/shiny tiger
Thurs 3 - Start of Year of the Rabbit - black/lace red
Fri 4 - purple/lace purple
(Sat 5 - green/velvet red)
(Sun 6 - brown/shiny aubergine)
If I don't fall back into my lazy ways, and I already have organised the second part, I should be able to complete February, or Mon-Fri each week at a push. Call it a small success to do something different every day.

My mind whirred on the way home on Friday with thoughts, dreams, memories and even tears brought on with the random music on the mp3, however I did add each song myself. Like the Pensieve in Harry Potter, I need a repository for my thoughts. I am no bard with wisdom to spread but perhaps akin to J.D Salinger's need to express mundane things and, in agreement with this article, diaries, letters and blogs are a kind of performance, designed to achieve a particular effect. So perhaps I will go offline, to get things out of my system and lock them away in my own pensieve, my compartments, again?

The Last Day Of The Tiger

My Year of the Tiger* card will come down tomorrow and it will be sad but the Year of the Rabbit Card should at arrive tomorrow at Amber Cottage for Paul, Gary and the bunnies. That will be nice and hopefully unexpected for them all - although the snow may be more of a surprise in the morning. It is now lying here after rain all day.

During my last post, I updated Gwenhwyfar's name spelling to this which has been used in the book. Perhaps it is a new found empathy or sympathy but I would not go as far as to say admiration. She is now with child by Arthur but regrets not taking Lancelot as lover and worries he will never want her again, as she grows 'fat and ugly with child'. Yes, I forget that looks are the norm, whereas I rely on my 'cheery disposition' to get by. I may look upon this as taking the higher moral ground but, when it comes down to it, it is still being manipulative after all. Women!

All after me - 1,2,3, bright, shiny, happy!!!

Theme for the weekend is 'Forty' (thanks but not me) in Forfar and now Edinburgh so hopefully the weather does not disrupt the plans, whatever they actually may be.

*Turns out I am part of a chain of four in the family who are all Roosters.

Igraine, Priestess From Beyond The Seas

In 'Last Night The Snow Fell', I believed Igraine would always be a priestess at her very being.

As Igraine lay on her deathbed in the convent at Tintagel, she refused to see the priests. Her pious Christian manner was a sham to keep the peace in her household because her beloved Uther believed. Her heart still longed for Avalon but she could not return there after Uther's death, remembering that it was her sister, the Lady of the Lake, who had sent her to the edge of world at Tintagel to be married to Gorlois, a man more than twice her tender age. So she spent remaining years in view of Tintagel Castle, which was to her a prison during the long, lonely years of her first marriage.

Why did she torture herself so? Arthur gifted Tintagel to her so it was the only place that was rightfully hers, to do as she pleased. I would hope I would be strong enough to choose Avalon instead however I have known my own Tintagel, and I have always been weak.

But Igraine knew, that no-matter how cruelly her daughter Morgaine was used in the name of Avalon, she would have fared worse as a Christian, where being a woman was regarded as evil in itself. And so Igraine, drowning in her own grief at losing Uther, could not raise herself up to help her daughter, even though she could sense Morgaine was in great distress at Arthur's wedding and now she blames this on why Morgaine, who would know Igraine was dying, had not come to her.

But no-one has seen or heard from Morgaine for years . . .

Third Time Lucky - Be Careful What You Wish For

After breakfast in Glasgow at 9am and a successful but thankfully low-cost lunchtime trip to the Slaters warehouse sale, I settled down to read in the bedroom (danger - warm, comfy, cover). I could say the cliche 'the rest is history' but I made a valiant attempt to stay awake and read for an hour or so before waking up in the dark.

When Morgaine's first dalliance with Lancelot took place, her maidenhood was vowed to the Goddess and she regretting keeping that vow.

The second was on the night of Arthur and Gwenhwyfar's marriage, where Lancelot would have tumbled Morgaine like a milkmaid in the stables, just to avoid the thought of his beloved Gwenhwyfar in Arthur's arms. However it was he who was tumbled from his horse and spent the night unconscious, Morgaine, in her role of skilled healer, lying by his side. So close yet so far away.

Today, the third was when the men returned from war with the Saxons and from Arthur to the general soldiers, each would have company that night but the Queen's ladies in waiting, including Morgaine, who had not returned to Avalon, were secured away, protected from roving eyes. She could sense the power around her and also Lancelot, restless and alone She walked abroad to seek him out and if he was not there, then she would know it was just her fancy and not to be. However he was. He apologised for dishonouring her with their earlier dalliances but Morgaine expressed her regret that the dalliances had not been fulfilled. Not what he would expect from a lady at court but Morgaine is her own woman, a trained priestess and more than capable of taking a lover if she so chooses. She led him underneath the moonlight sky and with the apple trees as a canopy, they make love - although not technically speaking*, which is key.

For Morgaine, it should be act of great power and she feels betrayed, as well as unfulfilled (yet again). For Lancelot, both have been pleasured without dishonour or risk - how could he worship Gwenhwyfar if Morgaine, or any other woman, were to have his child instead of his beloved Gwenhwyfar.

The bond between Lancelot and Gwenhwyfar remains intact, Morgaine flees (again).

Unbeknown to both, Arthur gives Gwenhwyfar sanction to take Lancelot as lover** and have his son, which Arthur would accept as a gift from the Gods and rear as his own heir, rather than put her aside as barren and take another wife to give him a son.

But Arthur is unaware that he has fathered a child with his sister Morgaine and so already has a son and heir . . .

*A useful phrase
**Similar arrangement, different criteria, different goal

Words Of Wisdom From The Wicked Witch

Home before midnight. It was a good night. Surprise guest was welcomed. Food, drink and company good. Perhaps it is because the Year of the Rabbit approaches, there were more than I in a sociable frame for mind for 2011 and we intend to meet up again - at a leaving do perhaps? But I shall meet with the Wicked Witch alone before then for some quality R&R and her words of wit and wisdom.

Remaining Friends

Thanks MJ, two chaperones are better than one so hopefully you can make it through to Edinburgh with me. It is good your perception has changed over the years, to now believe that men and women can remain friends - even though desire in most cases creeps in although you think it may be more curiosity than desire sometimes. 


I have been guilty of the reverse. Although intrigued from the start, I avoided what could have been a good friendship, which I never would have done in my youth. Despite being blind-sided by more circumstances, I have been given the chance to start afresh with basics - conversations of more than two words at a time should also help! 


And then I will have Edinburgh, safe and comforting, all my concerns have melted away. I can feel the love emanating already - I just need to find comfortable but sexy shoes to wear however I have worn short black boots to work and my feet are not sore at the end of the day, so they should be able to cope with a night of dancing, although the witchy effect could be better but I think the black suede thigh high lace-ups might be a bit distracting and really do require the short, swirly sun and moon dress which I love but can no longer button. Some would say that's not a problem however . .  and I still stand by the high boots being best to ensure you go home safely - they would take too long to lace up again if you were 'elsewhere' first I'm sure. So it's looking like a long swirly skirt or jeans but I was too self conscious to wear jeans often there. So many decisions as I want to feel good and confident but not attract unwanted attention - the usual dilemma but the guys will keep an eye out for me too, as always. And can I still fit into my biker jacket, preferably zip it up as Edinburgh will be cold between pubs?


I've given so much thought to March, but little for later today or next weekend. I'll see what the weather is like. It is really an after work event however the last one I went to, my friend went home to change into a dress and I was dancing on the stairs in a 80s bar in my work suit! Yes, the sequel will be arranged and follow soon. I hope all goes well today.


My music list i.e. singing them all day in my head yesterday were:-
Prefab Sprout - Looking for Atlantis
The Decemberists - Down by the Water
Thin Lizzy - Dancing in the Moonlight
- today was a bit more fraught so no songs sung
I have failed as techy. I only recently discovered my much loved mp3 player was not in fact a sealed unit and I could replace the battery. I now have music to commute to again, well beyond the bus stop!

The Lancelot Principle

My thoughts will change but it is a complicated relationship. I think I understand it more now, although talk is all around me 'affairs are bad'. It seems to be the current topic. Perhaps it is as a result of the weather. No, not 'I fell on the snow and it just happened!' I would expect summer would be more likely - skimpy clothes, warm sun, late nights - but perhaps it is the dark nights, huddling together in the cold to keep warm, official nights out which suit best?

The simmering passion hangs over Lancelot and Gwenhwyfar like a shroud, binding them hopelessly together. The palpable looks, the accidental brush of the arm against the curve of the hip. The body tingling with electricity and anticipation with any look or touch. The fireworks flashing under your eyelids when you kiss. This is the first flush of romance and passion - but it need not be the last.

Yet Lancelot can fortunately re-direct his passion for Gwenhwyfar to Morgaine, 'love the one you're with', which she willing accepts, or tries to, if only fate would not keep interrupting them! Yes, sometimes you feel as though the universe is trying to say 'stop' - but you carry on regardless, trying to justify your intentions rather than admit to selfishness. Even if Morgaine takes Lancelot as a lover, it would not break the bonds between he and Gwenhwyfar, nor Arthur's desire for Morgaine yet Arthur and Gwenhwyfar's wedding night awaits.

No doubt, they could each continue with their desired relationships also. But can men and women remain friends without romantic entanglements, or is it inevitable that desire will creep in - the Lancelot Principle? I would say yes to can remain friends, but perhaps I was blind to the signs but that sounds far too arrogant and disrespectful of my male friends. More likely I was not their type. MJ once told me that we were different - men wanted to ravish her (and why not, she is a very sexy woman) but wanted to cherish and protect me, as I was a sensual creature - and oddly enough some agreed but this is perhaps a bit much and it is too late for me tonight so I may edit this again tomorrow.

And the universe, in this case the mp3, brings reality back in at the midnight hour -  Martha Wainwright 'You Cheated Me'. from the album I Know You're Married But I Have Feelings Too

What can I say?

I Have Not Once Been Warm Since Midsummer

'Far to the north ... the snow lay deep on the fells and even at midday there was often no more than a twilight fog' and The High Queen begins. I settle in for the night.

Mistress of Magic

I have reached the end of the first book. Morgaine flees Avalon to her kinswoman in Lothian to have her son - a long journey, as it has been for me to reach this stage. Perhaps, as I am older, I shall be less judgemental of the next, The High Queen.

In that vein, I printed my tickets for the Edinburgh night out for myself and my 'chaperone'. There will be drinking, dancing and hopefully a companion for my chaperone - and I shall dance, drink and be shiny and happy.

I shall be shiny and happy today, and tomorrow, and the next day - and then it will become second nature again. Like dancing on the London roof-top to Shiny Happy People or Love Shack in Sneaky Pete's in Edinburgh. But not just revelling in old memories, new memories are waiting to be made.

For now, I sit hugging my tiger and hot water bottle close to me on this cold fog bound night, searching for sleep. Those who know me, may ask which tiger, of the many? But those who really know me will know which one, since I also bought it twice more as a gift for family. I've never really known why I am attracted to it and sleep with it beside me. It's a white tiger, not Hobbes, but very cosy. None of my tigers have names but Tiger was my hamster's name. I regretted not taking my tiger to York as I felt lonely at night without something to hug close and keep me company but I did improvise . . .

I took the unusual step of watching The End of the Affair tonight - it bore little resemblance to the wonderfully bitter-sweet Prefab Sprout song of the same name. But I did get the chance afterwards to enjoy the end of V for Vendetta, with Stephen Rea again. I'm not sure I'm up for Withnail & I so time to perhaps go to bed?

1am bed, 1pm rise

I am having a lazy Saturday. I feel physically drained of energy but mentally on fire. What I could achieve if I could persuade my body to move? But I have moved to the sofa and PC so that is a start - the hoover may be a step too far. Yes, it has been more than 2 hours to get to this stage. I glance guiltily at the book and lovingly at the small empty box of mint creams. Yum. They were nice addition to a light breakfast this afternoon but I still hanker for a roll on potato scone and brown sauce (apples again). 


As I have none in the house, I resolve to have one for breakfast when I return to work on Tuesday. I have lunch booked so I know shouldn't as it will spoil my appetite but I want both. Not what you would expect of a flighty Piscean? I can assure you the conflicting debate has already taken place and selfishness has won over guilty feeling. 


However Tuesday is a long time away for a fickle fish, who is too trusting and easily swayed by her peers to conform to the norm . . . Can I stand my ground or crumble yet again? (more apples :-))

Sixteen Years

I am now in my sixteenth year. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever, in the good way, but I lost track of the best of my old life, focusing on the new. This blog stands as testament that I wish to happily integrate both.

It has been an emotionally charged, tiring day. I have now had all the sleep I'm likely to get tonight so I'm trying to unwind with 'The Thick of It' Special. And I was just the bystander today. 

Good things happened for me until the full moon shone through the mist in George Square tonight. Girly things -  purple shiny fingernails, calf length black leather boots, new dress, new jewellery, new specs, time off work, cosy hat and earmuffs - you get the picture! Disruptions - communication breakdown (human and mobile) resulted in unplanned change, which is never a good thing (personally or professionally). Outcome - early to bed, early to rise.

As another day arrives, I consider how to organise a compartmentalised life again. By aiming to integrate my old life with the new, I do not mean that every part will be shared, as I realise that, with no dark spectre, sometimes it will be easier that way. Having said that, 5 February is still desirable. 

I hold (most of) my past relationships in high regard and fondly with affection, as I do with my present and, hopefully, my future relationships. It does not diminish or interfere with my feelings on this day. Would I feel the same if the roles were reversed? I would hope so - friends love you and lovers should always be friends. 

I should not be concerned that being proud of a former friend and lover's achievements may be misconstrued as vying for their affections again or putting temptation in my and/or their way. It is the close friendship I miss, the entertaining letters when I was lonely away from home and the changes he inspired in my life. Yes, I want the tshirt! Or has that role been replaced in my life and I can have only one? I should, and will, commit time and visit friends, without feeling guilty, self imposed of course ;-).

Gosh, a smiley crept in! 

-3 degrees forecast for tomorrow today - back to sensible winter clothing perhaps. 3am.

I have been told that using Facebook has brought a change in me and I do agree. For me, the change is on a social level, allowing myself to think of 'outside' - the past, the present and the future, cue Jethro Tull. Hmmh, Living the Past (1969) - spook!
I do not yet know what other paths it may offer me.

As for Morgaine, she travels to Glastonbury for Arthur's crowning as High King of All Britain, with the dawning realisation she is pregnant with his child.

Gypsy Dance, Gypsy Sing

Yes, 'All that matters here is song and dance'. 
I hum, ok sing, to myself all day, all week. A bit too loud. 
I want to spin.
Sway.
Skip from one side of the room to the other. 
And back again.
Endlessly.
Songs swirl through my head like colours. 
I feel elated and tingle with emotion. 


However, at the moment that emotion is dull panic over packing suitcase and a desire for Rice Krispies.


But I will take another route - upload the mp3 with music and Lord of the Rings. And get a bowl of Rice Krispies.


And tomorrow? Gypsy dance, gypsy sing (if I am lucky) but definitely pack my suitcase.


And take the book . . .

Serendipity - more than a movie

When I have sought to read, I have found sleep. Now I have started reading again. Morgaine's journey has moved so fast from a child to initiation into the mysteries of the Goddess. Fate is fickle. It can be changed and changed again, depending on the choices that we make, so can we still blame fate?


Had Morgaine not been willingly persuaded otherwise, she would not been filled with guilt at the outcome. Rather she should have been schooled enough to accept her choices and move along her path, making more choices as life dictates to suit her wishes. There may be other fates, parallel universes, but who can say if it would be different at any stage. Like her, I cannot escape guilt but do feel remorse for my regrets.


The wonderful Serendipity stars the talented John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale as star-crossed lovers, thwarted by fate. In the end, love conquers all, with the help of snow and NYC, but it also leaves two broken hearts in its wake, who have loved the lovers when their 'soulmate' was not on the scene. 


Cynical? Perhaps. We make the choices that predict our now and our future. There will be scope for many soulmates along the way, the alternative is that one wrong choice would forever deny you your soulmate. No, I do not believe that. My life has been blessed with love and warm feelings of love remain for soulmates who have moved from my life.


Morgaine chose not to break her vow with Lancelot. Lancelot met Guinevere before she met Arthur. Morgaine and Arthur . . . No, soulmates are with us on our journey through life, as are the inevitable broken hearts.

Whatever's written in your heart

Gerry Rafferty R.I.P

Singer, songwriter, musician
For all the wonderful moments and memories his music has given me.
Get It Right Next Time to lift me, City to City when I miss home and family, Whatever's Written In Your Heart, dancing to Baker Street in London, the inspired use of Stuck In The Middle With You in Reservoir Dogs, the delight in getting and listening to Life Goes On on Christmas morning 2009.


The list goes on . . . Life goes on

Hogmanay

Hogmanay in Scotland is an important time. It is a time to take stock and prepare for the coming year. I do not clean my house to make it spotless, as my mother and grandmother did. Perhaps I should have. Maybe I don't do the traditional things to bring me luck (see also 'first foot' below).

Hogmanay ends the year with celebrations, traditionally family but now including public celebrations where all, including multi-nationals are welcome, to 'bring in the new year' 'at the bells' at midnight. I think I only missed the bells once at home before my marriage and should have been there with family. I learnt from that to celebrate on Hogmanay Eve and go home for the bells.

Now I stay at home and 'first foot' my own house when my husband is awake, which isn't meant to bring you luck, it is visitors that do that, but I do leave the house before midnight to first foot and stand shivering on the doorstep before the bells ring out. I now sleep for a couple of hours before the bells at midnight. He tries to stay awake for the bells but it is getting more common that he is in bed asleep instead. I don't mind this. I will see him on Ne'erday morning to wish him Happy New Year. After all, he completed the database update tonight - more than an album a day for the year. Now if that had been apples?

I actually got through on the phone at the bells to wish my mother 'Happy New Year', just before the phone networks went into overload. The text messages have all now been successfully sent. Facebook has been good for this but it must be repetitive for all the messages to be 'Happy New Year. Almost time for bed. I brought in the bells with a little red wine and lots of John Martyn on the stereo. I could go on all night but I should get some more sleep - start the new year as I intend to go on with it you could say.

No, the book lay beside me untouched as I slept on Hogmanay evening, again ...