Mistress of Magic

I have reached the end of the first book. Morgaine flees Avalon to her kinswoman in Lothian to have her son - a long journey, as it has been for me to reach this stage. Perhaps, as I am older, I shall be less judgemental of the next, The High Queen.

In that vein, I printed my tickets for the Edinburgh night out for myself and my 'chaperone'. There will be drinking, dancing and hopefully a companion for my chaperone - and I shall dance, drink and be shiny and happy.

I shall be shiny and happy today, and tomorrow, and the next day - and then it will become second nature again. Like dancing on the London roof-top to Shiny Happy People or Love Shack in Sneaky Pete's in Edinburgh. But not just revelling in old memories, new memories are waiting to be made.

For now, I sit hugging my tiger and hot water bottle close to me on this cold fog bound night, searching for sleep. Those who know me, may ask which tiger, of the many? But those who really know me will know which one, since I also bought it twice more as a gift for family. I've never really known why I am attracted to it and sleep with it beside me. It's a white tiger, not Hobbes, but very cosy. None of my tigers have names but Tiger was my hamster's name. I regretted not taking my tiger to York as I felt lonely at night without something to hug close and keep me company but I did improvise . . .

I took the unusual step of watching The End of the Affair tonight - it bore little resemblance to the wonderfully bitter-sweet Prefab Sprout song of the same name. But I did get the chance afterwards to enjoy the end of V for Vendetta, with Stephen Rea again. I'm not sure I'm up for Withnail & I so time to perhaps go to bed?

1am bed, 1pm rise

I am having a lazy Saturday. I feel physically drained of energy but mentally on fire. What I could achieve if I could persuade my body to move? But I have moved to the sofa and PC so that is a start - the hoover may be a step too far. Yes, it has been more than 2 hours to get to this stage. I glance guiltily at the book and lovingly at the small empty box of mint creams. Yum. They were nice addition to a light breakfast this afternoon but I still hanker for a roll on potato scone and brown sauce (apples again). 


As I have none in the house, I resolve to have one for breakfast when I return to work on Tuesday. I have lunch booked so I know shouldn't as it will spoil my appetite but I want both. Not what you would expect of a flighty Piscean? I can assure you the conflicting debate has already taken place and selfishness has won over guilty feeling. 


However Tuesday is a long time away for a fickle fish, who is too trusting and easily swayed by her peers to conform to the norm . . . Can I stand my ground or crumble yet again? (more apples :-))

Sixteen Years

I am now in my sixteenth year. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever, in the good way, but I lost track of the best of my old life, focusing on the new. This blog stands as testament that I wish to happily integrate both.

It has been an emotionally charged, tiring day. I have now had all the sleep I'm likely to get tonight so I'm trying to unwind with 'The Thick of It' Special. And I was just the bystander today. 

Good things happened for me until the full moon shone through the mist in George Square tonight. Girly things -  purple shiny fingernails, calf length black leather boots, new dress, new jewellery, new specs, time off work, cosy hat and earmuffs - you get the picture! Disruptions - communication breakdown (human and mobile) resulted in unplanned change, which is never a good thing (personally or professionally). Outcome - early to bed, early to rise.

As another day arrives, I consider how to organise a compartmentalised life again. By aiming to integrate my old life with the new, I do not mean that every part will be shared, as I realise that, with no dark spectre, sometimes it will be easier that way. Having said that, 5 February is still desirable. 

I hold (most of) my past relationships in high regard and fondly with affection, as I do with my present and, hopefully, my future relationships. It does not diminish or interfere with my feelings on this day. Would I feel the same if the roles were reversed? I would hope so - friends love you and lovers should always be friends. 

I should not be concerned that being proud of a former friend and lover's achievements may be misconstrued as vying for their affections again or putting temptation in my and/or their way. It is the close friendship I miss, the entertaining letters when I was lonely away from home and the changes he inspired in my life. Yes, I want the tshirt! Or has that role been replaced in my life and I can have only one? I should, and will, commit time and visit friends, without feeling guilty, self imposed of course ;-).

Gosh, a smiley crept in! 

-3 degrees forecast for tomorrow today - back to sensible winter clothing perhaps. 3am.

I have been told that using Facebook has brought a change in me and I do agree. For me, the change is on a social level, allowing myself to think of 'outside' - the past, the present and the future, cue Jethro Tull. Hmmh, Living the Past (1969) - spook!
I do not yet know what other paths it may offer me.

As for Morgaine, she travels to Glastonbury for Arthur's crowning as High King of All Britain, with the dawning realisation she is pregnant with his child.

Gypsy Dance, Gypsy Sing

Yes, 'All that matters here is song and dance'. 
I hum, ok sing, to myself all day, all week. A bit too loud. 
I want to spin.
Sway.
Skip from one side of the room to the other. 
And back again.
Endlessly.
Songs swirl through my head like colours. 
I feel elated and tingle with emotion. 


However, at the moment that emotion is dull panic over packing suitcase and a desire for Rice Krispies.


But I will take another route - upload the mp3 with music and Lord of the Rings. And get a bowl of Rice Krispies.


And tomorrow? Gypsy dance, gypsy sing (if I am lucky) but definitely pack my suitcase.


And take the book . . .

Serendipity - more than a movie

When I have sought to read, I have found sleep. Now I have started reading again. Morgaine's journey has moved so fast from a child to initiation into the mysteries of the Goddess. Fate is fickle. It can be changed and changed again, depending on the choices that we make, so can we still blame fate?


Had Morgaine not been willingly persuaded otherwise, she would not been filled with guilt at the outcome. Rather she should have been schooled enough to accept her choices and move along her path, making more choices as life dictates to suit her wishes. There may be other fates, parallel universes, but who can say if it would be different at any stage. Like her, I cannot escape guilt but do feel remorse for my regrets.


The wonderful Serendipity stars the talented John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale as star-crossed lovers, thwarted by fate. In the end, love conquers all, with the help of snow and NYC, but it also leaves two broken hearts in its wake, who have loved the lovers when their 'soulmate' was not on the scene. 


Cynical? Perhaps. We make the choices that predict our now and our future. There will be scope for many soulmates along the way, the alternative is that one wrong choice would forever deny you your soulmate. No, I do not believe that. My life has been blessed with love and warm feelings of love remain for soulmates who have moved from my life.


Morgaine chose not to break her vow with Lancelot. Lancelot met Guinevere before she met Arthur. Morgaine and Arthur . . . No, soulmates are with us on our journey through life, as are the inevitable broken hearts.

Whatever's written in your heart

Gerry Rafferty R.I.P

Singer, songwriter, musician
For all the wonderful moments and memories his music has given me.
Get It Right Next Time to lift me, City to City when I miss home and family, Whatever's Written In Your Heart, dancing to Baker Street in London, the inspired use of Stuck In The Middle With You in Reservoir Dogs, the delight in getting and listening to Life Goes On on Christmas morning 2009.


The list goes on . . . Life goes on

Hogmanay

Hogmanay in Scotland is an important time. It is a time to take stock and prepare for the coming year. I do not clean my house to make it spotless, as my mother and grandmother did. Perhaps I should have. Maybe I don't do the traditional things to bring me luck (see also 'first foot' below).

Hogmanay ends the year with celebrations, traditionally family but now including public celebrations where all, including multi-nationals are welcome, to 'bring in the new year' 'at the bells' at midnight. I think I only missed the bells once at home before my marriage and should have been there with family. I learnt from that to celebrate on Hogmanay Eve and go home for the bells.

Now I stay at home and 'first foot' my own house when my husband is awake, which isn't meant to bring you luck, it is visitors that do that, but I do leave the house before midnight to first foot and stand shivering on the doorstep before the bells ring out. I now sleep for a couple of hours before the bells at midnight. He tries to stay awake for the bells but it is getting more common that he is in bed asleep instead. I don't mind this. I will see him on Ne'erday morning to wish him Happy New Year. After all, he completed the database update tonight - more than an album a day for the year. Now if that had been apples?

I actually got through on the phone at the bells to wish my mother 'Happy New Year', just before the phone networks went into overload. The text messages have all now been successfully sent. Facebook has been good for this but it must be repetitive for all the messages to be 'Happy New Year. Almost time for bed. I brought in the bells with a little red wine and lots of John Martyn on the stereo. I could go on all night but I should get some more sleep - start the new year as I intend to go on with it you could say.

No, the book lay beside me untouched as I slept on Hogmanay evening, again ...